


Hush darling, it'll be alright

by Jaemins_smile



Series: Trans Yangyang [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Depression, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Not Beta Read, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-02-23 06:53:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23407495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaemins_smile/pseuds/Jaemins_smile
Summary: Yangyang was in one of his depressive states, one he didn't want to speak up about. And his boyfriends weren't helpingThey've been short with him, making him feel unwanted, unloved, unneeded.These feelings lead to his bad behavior and his very bad decision.
Relationships: Liu Yang Yang/Everyone
Series: Trans Yangyang [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1662838
Comments: 6
Kudos: 63
Collections: Others ❀





	Hush darling, it'll be alright

**Author's Note:**

> Yangyang depressed
> 
> Trigger warning. Suicide attempt and thoughts, wrist slitting, don't like don't read!

Life was stressful. Everyone knew this. Yangyang especially. 

He recently just lost his job for what reason he didn't know. So now he was out of work and relied solely on getting asked to play the violin for parties or some crap, which wasn't going too great. 

He was also out of school so he had nothing to do with himself and no way of making money. 

He wasn't going to let this get him down however, there would be more chances for him to get a job! Well, that's what his boyfriends were telling him at least.

But there was also the fact he couldn't pay for his hormones, that's what really scared Yangyang. He's become to prideful to ask for someone to buy them for him as well. 

But its okay! He'll figure it out! 

-

For the past two weeks his relationship with his boyfriends has been off. Really off.  
They've all seemed wrong as of late, they were all short with Yangyang and were treating him awfully. 

It was like they only treated him somewhat nicely when they had sex. Even then he felt unloved by his boyfriends, he didn't like it one bit. 

And that's why, he's currently not indulging in their sexual activities right now, hasn't been for a while now.  
Instead he's laying on the couch watching his favorite show. 

He was in one of his headspaces where he needed one of his boyfriends reassurance and kind words and touches, but those were far and few. 

Not to mention they were fucking in the bedroom so he couldn't exactly go and be like "Hey! I'm depressed and dysphoric! Will one of you come be with me?" Nope. He couldn't even go to Hendery who was currently out. 

He'd be fine... He'd just deal with it on his own, like how he used to. Even if that wasn't the.... smartest way to deal with it.

He'd been about a week and a half clean until now and was very disappointed in himself for retreating back to harming himself. 

But...it was the only thing he knew would bring him comfort in his desperate times so he did it. 

But, for some reason, this time he didn't receive comfort, all he got was anger and the want to do more than cut a few little lines in his thighs. 

That was another thing that scared him, his boyfriends seemed to not care about him hurting himself anymore, no one tried to stop him or said anything when they seen the angry red cuts littering his body, no one tried to comfort him when they knewhe was cutting. 

Now this might seem like he was doing it for attention but he wasn't, his boyfriends caring is what made him stop, he was trying to get get better for them and them saying something or trying to stop him gave him the will to want to stop and want to be clean. Now that that was gone he had no reason not to do it, his boyfriends didn't care so why should he stop? Why should he waste his energy to get better when no one cared if he did? 

Yangyang had unknowingly started crying as he spiralled down his own personal dark pit of hell. He felt so pathetic now. He just wanted to Fucking die. 

In all honesty, he's wanted to die since sophomore year, he just never had the courage to do it. And he actually had someone to live for then. Ten. Now he doesn't. Ten hates him. 

Yangyang just wanted to sleep and not wake up. 

-  
Yangyang sobbed into his arms in an attempt to silence the noise he was making.  
Only two of his boyfriends were home, but they were both sleeping. 

He let his head fall against his knees that were pulled against his chest, his head hurt so bad from crying, and he was so tired. 

He could hardly breathe, the weight of the decision he was weighing in his hands seemed to be constricting his lungs and preventing air to flow through them freely. 

He wasn't exactly sure how to go about it.. did he slit his wrists? Drown himself? Overdose? He didn't know.. he's never gotten this far before. 

Slitting his wrists would probably be easiest, he already had his blade out from his previous actions. 

He picked up the blade from the bathroom floor staring at the small silver piece of metal in his hand. 

This was it isn't it? He thought as he stared down at the object that determined wether he lived or not.

He rested his wrist against his bare thighs and stared at the unmarked expanse of it. That would soon change and also be marked by his unforgivable actions.

With a shaky hand he pressed the blade flat against his wrist. He took a deep breath and then held it in as he pulled the blade across his skin. 

The feeling of his skin being split apart was nothing new, far from it actually. However, the amount of blood that spilt from the open slit on his arm was. 

A steady flow made it's way down his arm, making it's way onto his legs as well. 

For only a moment Yangyang stared at the large open wound on his arm before he pulled the blade across his arm multiple times in horizontal lines. His arm was burning as if it were on fire but at the same time he could barely feel it. Suddenly panic bubbled up in Yangyang's chest. He stood up on trembling legs and ripped a towel from the little cabinet beside the shower. He quickly wrapped it around his bleeding arm and applied pressure to stop it from bleeding any longer. The rest was a blur. He couldn't remember what happened after that, he soupposed he just blocked the memories out. He woke up the next morning with his wrist securely wrapped in gauze and much to his surprise, he was laid in the middle of his boyfriends, all of them touching him in some way. 

-

It's been exactly one week since he almost killed himself and finnaly Yangyang has found something to do with himself and distract himself from everything going on in his head, he felt so fucking relived and happy, which came as a surprise. 

Someone finally contacted him to play at their party. He was very honored considering it was quite a big party.

He flitted around his room humming happily as he prepared for the party.

Luckily no one was home so he could get ready in peace and maybe even practice a bit before he had to leave for the party. 

He stared at himself proudly in the mirror. It's been a long time since he's cleaned up so nicely, he put on his best suit, did some light makeup, and even made his fluffy orange hair look presentable. 

He smiled brightly and left his bedroom, violin case in hand.  
Yangyang's face fel when he heard the front door opening, signalling everyone had come home from wherever it was they had left to. 

Xioajun gave him a once over, slight anger in his eyes, "Where are you going?" 

"I've um got a job to go to. Someone finally gave me a call and I'm going to play for them at their party." He spoke quietly but happily, his smile returning. "Isn't that great? I can start making money again if this goes well." 

"Yeah that's nice but you can't go, we need you here. You're going to have to cancel." Lucas said lazily as he sat down on the couch 

"Well... I would love to stay here but I have to go to my job. I can't just cancel on them, the party starts in half an hour, that's not nearly enough time to find someone new to play for them!" Yangyang was just slightly angry they were asking this of him, especially since they've practically been ignoring him for three whole weeks. 

"I'll help you guys get home, okay? I can't cancel on these people, this is important to me." He said with anger lacing his voice. 

As he was walking to the door he swore he heard someone call him a 'selfish bitch' 

\- 

He returned home from the party maybe four hours later, he was beat. His arm was hurting from playing s long and so we're his fingers, he hasn't played that long in a very long while. 

"Oh good you're back, we need you to make dinner tonight and we also need you to clean that and you bedroom. Oh and don't forget to clean the bathroom." Kun instructed as he passed by Yangyang carrying a stack of old textbooks. 

Yangyang was not in the mood to do any of that, he just wanted to sleep the rest of the night as it was already late into the night. 

"What are you waiting for?" Xiaojun asked angrily from the bathroom doorway. 

He sighed in defeat and shuffled to the kitchen. He decided a simple meal of noodles would be fine, it was easy to make and didn't take a lot of time. 

"Whats with the attitude?" Ten asked as he took a stand next to Yangyang. 

"Don't have one." They all were the cause of this 'attitude' they seriously expected him to come home and work his ass off for them after three weeks of radio silence? It was bullshit. It was even more bullshit that Yangyang couldn't say no.

"Don't lie to me baby. What's the problem?" Ten's voice was sickeningly sweet, it pissed Yangyang off. 

Finally the young boy snapped. He slammed down the spoon he was using to stir the noodles and glared at Ten, the older man looked shocked.

"You know what the problem is Ten? You. And the rest of my soupposed boyfriends. I've gotten nothing but radio silence from you all for three weeks! And now after I come home from four hours of nonstop playing the violin at a party of uppity snobs! You expect me to cook dinner, clean the kitchen, clean the bathroom, and clean my room? Why should I do anything to help you all when haven't done it for me?" 

Perhaps Yangyang should've just kept this all to himself, Ten looked a bit angry and he had attracted Sicheng's and Lucas's attention. 

"Yangyang this is your home too, this is your mess in the kitchen too, you have to he-" 

"It's not my mess in here! I don't eat! How would I have made a mess!?" Another thing he should've kept to himself. 

"What do you mean you don't eat?" Hendery asked, his voice mildly concerned. 

"None of your fucking business!" 

"Watch your mouth young man!" Kun yelled at him from the other room.

"Screw you Kun! You don't get to tell me what to do, not after you've ignored me for three weeks! You all lost that privilege. Oh and thanks for noticing I really needed you guys, thanks for noticing that I haven't been around much the last week. Oh and thank you so much for noticing I almost killed myself!" He yelled the last part and slammed the pot of noodles and still extremely hot water in the sink. 

Bad idea. The water sloshed over the sides of the pot, directly onto Yangyang's hands, burning the hell out of his skin.

The pain didn't come for a feel second, but when it did, it was horrible, worse than the pain he felt the first time he cut. 

He scream in agony and rushed to get his hands under cool water. 

The pain radiating throughout his hands was indescribable, the cold water barely helping at all.  
By now Yangyang was sobbing at the pain in his hands, he felt horrid.

The only sounds to be heard were Yangyang's pained sobs and the water running. No sound came from his boyfriends. Just silence.

"Kun, will you make two cold compresses for his hands?" Ten asked, his voice getting closer as he spoke. 

"Yangyang baby we haven't been ignoring you, not at all. And we did notice, who do you think wrapped your wrist? Sicheng came home and found you passed out in the bathroom, he took care of you and then called the rest of us home." Ten's voice and his hands rubbing gentle circles on Yangyang's broke the young boy down even more. 

"I don't believe you! You're lying to me." He sobbed, his body shaking violently. 

"Baby take your hands out from the water please." Kun whispered to him. Yangyang did as told, hissing at the feeling of a cloth being pressed against his raw burnt skin. 

"Yangyang my love, do you really not remember us being with you this whole time?" 

All the boy could do was shake his head in response. He swore on his life that they weren't ever there with him the past three weeks, it had just been him, right?

"Yangyang, we've been here for you as much as you needed, we gave you space like you asked, we tried everything to help you, baby we would never let you handle this on your own and I'm sorry we made you feel that way, we never wanted that. " Ten said, the others agreeing with him. 

How could he not remember?? What was that about? 

"I-I'm sorry, I-I d-don't remember." He felt a fresh batch of tears coming as soon as he forced the words from his mouth. 

"It's okay Yangyang." Lucas hugged the younger boy and kissed the top of his head.

-

It's been a week since his breakdown. He's started to be more in touch wit everything, his surroundings, emotions, his boyfriends. 

True t their words they were there whenever he needed the and distanced themselves when he needed it and much to his thanks they treated him no different than before, they treated him like a human. 

He wished he could get better soon, for his own sake, just boyfriends as well. 

Yangyang was going to get better for them, so he could offer them his best and whole self, something he's never been able to do. 

He was going to make this work, for all of them. He needed to fix himself and open back up to all of them and rebuild their relationship. 

He loved his boyfriends with his whole heart and soul, he just needed to love himself as well before he opened his heart uo to completely welcome them into his fucked up world of pain and fear once again.

Life was stressful sure, you just have to push through it though, things will turn out fine if you do, they won't if you don't however.

**Author's Note:**

> Idk how much longer this series is going to be but I knew for sure I'm going to put a super fluffy one in after this, gross I know, that's very unlike me but it might happen. 
> 
> Any fic suggestions? I'm back on bed rest so I'm down to write anything!
> 
> Also, me and Nate are really busy now and we need a beta reader so comment down below if you'd be interested and I'll give you my email to contact me.
> 
> Oh! Also, I've had this fic in my drafts for ages now and I was wondering if you guys would like to see it? It's in this same universe and it's still trans Yangyang but it's what happened before he met Ten, would anyone be interested in that?


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